I must start this post with a warning. :) Gotta love that, don't ya? Well...the warning is basically one of this....I had a reminder from God last night that brought pain to the extent that I've been very weepy and yet I've been extremely grateful for how He lets the Holy Spirit bring these important reprimands. So with that in mind, please don't think for one moment that I'm posting this on here to get compliments or praise...I'm posting it only because it is a release to type and brings praise to God for His help in my life.
Due to all of our pianists now back in their Northern dwellings...I've been put in the spot (much to my dislike). I love to play in our home as part of my devotions as I often feel the closest to God at those times. Unfortunately as a child I didn't want to keep up with the lessons and practice and after a couple months I gave up and what I know is what I've taught myself by listening to other people. I play in the keys of C, F and G and that's my limit. Lol! So basically...playing in church is a struggle for me. Troll told me when I started to play for church that I was to just pick the songs so I could play them. I've always considered the song service a serious part of the service and so I've done my best to always take time to pray about it to see what I feel impressed to pick.
Well yesterday was a pretty busy day and through the working and cooking and etc...I wasn't feeling any leading as far as songs were concerned. As I got into bed and laid there for who knows how long...I was feeling pretty frustrated. Now as most of you women know...the female mind tends to just go a million miles an hour when we are supposed to be sleeping, right? And mine was no exception. Here and there and everywhere it seemed to go and I was like, seriously...what is wrong with me? Why can't I get the direction that I need to go as far as songs go for church tomorrow. And then my mind started down a road I've been on before. "Why couldn't I have been more like my brother who plays so very well and had such a devotion to learning? If I had been more willing to take lessons and be like him I wouldn't be stressing out over these songs cause I would be able to play in every key and therefore wouldn't be laying here a mess!!" Unfortunately the road didn't stop there and it went on to "why can't I be a better kid's worker like some dear people I know so that kid's church is better" and "why couldn't I be a better people person like Troll and Jelly are"? Why, why, why?
And then God stepped in. Gwen, are you doing the best you can in every area of your life that I have given you? Well yes!! I try my best to give 100% best in everything I do but if I could play like this one or that one I could do a better job in church. Gwen, I have given you the talents that you have and therefore you need to stop worrying about what YOU think you should be and keep doing your best at doing what I have given to you. Because it's not about you...it's about ME and what I feel is best for you. You are always praying that I help you be better as a mother, wife, Christian and that's good but then you want to add that you're not satisfied with the talents I've given you because you don't feel they are good enough?
Oh my. Tears immediately came as I realized I'd been doing exactly what I've preached over and over to my kids NOT to do. Only I didn't realize it to that extent. I'm always telling them to be content with what you have and as long as you do your best that's all that matters. And I've done my best to be thankful and happy with everything in my life except this area. In my praying and wishing I was better, I was taking the talent that God had given me and not appreciating it. This was a disappointment to me in that I'd not realized what I was doing sooner. But in saying that...I once again want to say that I'm so thankful that God is a tender Father and He bring reprimand in such a gentle, compassionate way. I'm thankful that He doesn't do this to cause hurt and pain (even though that does happen sometimes) but to help us to grow stronger in Him and rely more on His divine plan for our lives.
With tearful heart yet triumphant soul....I'm happy in HIS service!!!